Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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