Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
