You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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