I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Sext me about skeletons
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
