i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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