If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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