Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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