My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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