what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
