Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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