we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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