I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
