dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
