I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
