You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
