you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
