Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
