I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
