I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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