Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
