If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
