Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
