i think i have two assholes
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
