im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
