I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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