You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
