I wanna passion pit in your ass
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
