i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
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