They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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