Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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