onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
