my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
