I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
