i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
