I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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