I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
