I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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