This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
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