his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
