If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
