I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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