My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
