My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
