Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
