Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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