Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
