if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
