can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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