so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
