Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
