peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
